secondary

Jul. 30th, 2025 01:03 am
skragglebog: crude drawing of prisoner (Default)
this will be my second entry to dreamwidth.

i like that there is a significance to the order in which things are done or seen. first impressions, for example. is there such a thing as second or third impressions? these would better curry the personality, the character being explored. long term exposure, as though pickling, is always better for character building, more so than an initial exploration.

chapter one is limited in this sense, or i suppose it is at least. there is only so much one can design in a first impression, but the choice within the second and third is so much more interesting in my opinion. there are paths which diverge, lines which are spoken and unspoken. i find myself stressing over how my characters think beyond their first appearance. this is where they become alive, i think; they are no longer an encounter, but an agent.

many writers tend to create evocative encounters, speculative fiction writers especially. we have strong ideas, yes, and they work to creative meaningful moments. but what are these meaningful moments. stories are like ocean waves. they cannot be formed from just meaningful moments, such as waves cannot be formed from momentary surges. they need a consistent tide, something that drives them, that works them into frenzy to crash into the shore.

this is all common knowledge i suppose. i am only a novice writer. i attempt to compare myself to the greatest to exist. let me tell you, there is little point. we do our best. that is all we can give.

i think that for many of us, there is a desire to create for the sake of it, and for nothing else. i did not realise it myself at first, but my itch to write came from a dissatisfaction with passive living, by which i mean existing without output, only input, only consuming. i hated being just a consumer. i felt like a cow chewing cud in a wet field.

alongside that, there is a sense of control. i have no mastery of what exists beyond my permission. everything that i write i have control over, i can marshal. such is creation. my relationship to my work as a creator is one i am comfortable with, unlike those i hold in the real world. escapism, if you wish.

i am trying my hand at science fiction. i cannot yet cut the senses like gibson nor conjure some profound existential image like dick (the author), but i am trying. that is as much as i can give. i am the fruit fly that takes off as you reach for an apple.

importance

Jul. 19th, 2025 01:18 pm
skragglebog: crude drawing of prisoner (Default)
i have two monitors. on my left, i am typing this. on my right, i am playing metal gear solid V. this will be my first message to dreamwidth. sometimes i think too hard about first impressions and i forget that it doesnt matter nearly as much as some say it does.

i tried thinking for a little about what my first message would be, even though it shouldnt matter. this is anonymous performance. pantomime. ultimately, i conclude that i should express an opinion.

i really enjoy metal gear solid V.

now that i have expressed an opinion, i should probably say something about myself, or whats going on in my life. this site can be used as a journal, as i understand it. recently i finished something quite large. i imagine most people would feel accomplished. i dont.

this worries me for several reasons. i try to be rational when i can be, and i am sure a few simple lifestyle changes would get me out of my slump, but there is a ravenous and dominating fear that perhaps i am a broken human being. it is something i try not to address, since i know that most people are consumed with these same feelings of inadequacy, and that it is not uncommon to feel this way at all. part of me strives to believe i am different from others, superior even, but i know this is not the case.

ultimately, i am not big boss. i am nobody. and that is okay sometimes. i think maybe it would help to publish these thoughts, for myself mostly. this is structure. structure is good.

my mission, which is my final message, is to understand. i want to know what makes us people, so that maybe i would not feel so alone. oh well. i am dust caught in rain, plastered to the outside of your car window.

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July 2025

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